Love is a Commitment

Please welcome my dear friend, Grey Zachary to My Messy Desk. A couple of my favorite things about this amazing woman are how she always asks tough questions in love and turns even a morning walk into a divine appointment. Today she is getting real with us about what we can do when marriage turns MESSY. I’m so excited to have her here and to be one of the first to too you that she just launched her own blog today! Let’s show her some love!! Be sure to visit her at Grey Zachary.

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Divorce is messy!

It is a mess that even Christians get into.

Think about it. If you aren’t divorced yourself, you know someone who is. That person may be a sister or brother in Christ. Surprise! Christians make mistakes. The leaders of our churches make mistakes. I know. I was married to one and I was one.

I was 18 when I married a Jesus loving youth minister. I was 21 when we divorced. It was devastating and a complete shock. I never saw it coming. I knew we weren’t the happiest, but my parents weren’t the happiest. I thought that was marriage. My Dad tenaciously taught me, “Love is not an emotion. Love is a commitment.” So, I was all in. If love was commitment, I had love on lockdown.

Until I didn’t…

After realizing we had real problems, our church provided us with phenomenal individual and couples counseling with licensed psychologists. Still, after months of trying and crying and pleading, he left. He packed up our tiny black Honda Civic and he was gone. I couldn’t stop him. I’m not sure I wanted to. I was exhausted. I just wanted peace.

After getting some quality rest, my energy was restored and I was…ANGRY! “How dare he!” “He was a minister!” “He made a vow!” With every retelling of my broken marriage story I got even more angry and self-righteous. Then, I received an email from a friend that changed me. My friend said, “Grey, I get it. You are a victim, but what did you do to fail the marriage?” At that moment, I did NOT like that friend! Again, I puffed up and justified myself. I was the victim and I had bible verses to prove it!

Finally, my friend patiently persuaded me. I gave humility a shot. Gradually, like the turning of the tide waves of remorse and regret and failure rolled in. I realized I had given him reasons to want out. I needed to own my part. Just as James 5:16 says, with every confession to my friend that day my hardened heart began to soften. Humility was healing. Repentance was personally reparative. Realizing that “no one is righteous” gave me the courage to forgive. So, when we met to sign divorce papers, I forgave him and I asked him to forgive me. Also, I asked if he would listen to a song with me before we went our separate ways. He agreed. I took my old place in the passenger seat of his tiny black Honda Civic for the last time. I loaded the cd. Like a benediction at the end of a church service, we breathed in these words,

In the morning You will come and make everything new

In the morning You will come, faithful, as the morning dew

Great is The Lord, Our God

King of all I am

Great is The Lord, Our God

King of all I can

”Great Is The Lord” by Jon Yerby.

My marriage didn’t miraculously reconcile, but God was not done with us. God was not done with him. God was not done with me. That was 16 years ago. He that began a good work has continued it. God has been as faithful as the morning dew.

Once the mess of our divorce was final, I had soul work to do. I began by reading a book by Christian psychologists, John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Changes That Heal spelled out the three ingredients for healing: Truth, Grace, and Time.

1. Truth. For me, Truth was the process of understanding and owning my part. The blame game kept me stuck in the past. Only humility moved me forward. I practiced this privately with a counselor and mentor.
2. Grace. The second ingredient for healing, was the work of forgiving him and forgiving myself. That was NOT easy. Safe and healthy friendships were most helpful for grace to soak into. Also, deep biblical study helped me understand that the ultimate message of The Gospel is grace.
3. Time. The last ingredient for healing was time. Time was God’s provision for processing it all. Just like a little baby needs time to learn to stand and walk on those shaky legs, time was a gift of God as I gradually grew stronger in truth and grace, humility and forgiveness. It was one step at a time.

Without truth, grace, and time I would not have been ready to marry again.

Truth, grace, and time help us overcome the #MESS of divorce. Click To Tweet

I now celebrate my husband of 13 years. Together we have a beautiful blended family of six. Merging families came with challenges. We have not always gotten it right, but we recommit often. My husband is a Chaplain in the US Army and we share a ministry to soldiers and their families. As we mentor couples we tell them that we truly know how fragile marriage can be, and that it must be nurtured. For those couples that have passed the point of no return we tell them that God’s love is not limited by a divorce or sin. God cares about them individually.

Though my first marriage did not survive, I still share the wisdom I learned from my Dad, “Love is not an emotion. Love is a commitment.” However, for those who are facing the unexpected, I tell them that love is also a commitment to being loving…even when divorcing.

Make a commitment to being loving...even when divorcing. Click To Tweet

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Grey Zachary is a Disciple of Christ, Red Shoe Woman, Wife of an Army Chaplain, Mother (Bio & Step), and a Texas A&M Student of Psychology. She holds a certificate of Modern Music Ministry from Visible Music College and a license in Cosmetology. She is a writer and new blogger. After working many years in several fields she discovered that she is passionate about one thing, people. Grey is excited to begin helping others create their best world one friendship at a time. Find her at greyzachary.com.

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For more encouragement please join the discussions on these fabulous blog link ups - Suzanne Eller, Thought Provoking Thursday, Susan B. Mead, Faith Filled Friday, Grace and Truth, Faith and Fellowship Friday, Grace and Truth Friday, Good Morning Monday, Soul Survival, Monday Musings, Rah Rah Link Up, Tell His Story, Woman to Woman Wednesday, Women With Intention Wednesday, Sitting Among Friends, Word of God Speak, Testimony Tuesday.